MOSCOW – Yesterday, nothing of note happened in the Russian capital. 

Because nothing occurred in Moscow at all, we’d like to take a moment to congratulate Leonardo Dicaprio on his Oscar. Good job, man! It’s kind of unfair that you had to get raped by a bear (or whatever, we haven’t seen “Reverend”) to get it, but that’s Hollywood for you, always promoting non-traditional sex narratives.

READ MORE: Quoting the Constitution in ‘peaceful protest’ causes bear rape – Western analyst

Also, because absolutely f*ck all took place in Moscow, the capital city of Russia, yesterday, we must draw your attention to the fact that a journalist was choke-slammed at a Donald Trump rally.

On the one hand, it’s pleasant that a U.S. presidential candidate is taking his cues from Russia on how to deal with an uppity press – so all of you yammering on about how “Russia only exports vodka and oil” can sit down and shut up, because Russia clearly exports *ideology* as well, and there’s just something classier about ideology.

On the other hand, the rules of information warfare dictate that we’re supposed to use this story to scream about “HEY LOOK, THEY ABUSE JOURNALISTS IN THE U.S. AS WELL SO SHUT UP ABOUT THEM DOING IT IN RUSSIA.”

READ MORE: Truthguide: How to be an Information Warrior

It’s all very confusing and we will update this story as soon as our editor-in-chief gets over his hangover to the point of being able to form complete sentences.

Anyway, since there have been ZERO NEWS of note coming from Moscow, here’s a gif of a man and a cat:

You’re welcome.