MOSCOW – Debate over the status of so-called “the Ukraine” has polarized world opinion and resulted in hostility, sanctions and very rude Facebook comments against Russia from Western sheeple whom we would call brain-washed if they had a brain. Yet what do the experts think? 

Sociopathist Pankrat Kozyolkin, senior researcher at Russian National Pride [But Not In A Gay Way] Academy 

“These people who are running around calling themselves Ukrainian seem Russian to me,” Kozyolkin told RIYF. “I mean, some of them do speak kind of funny, and they eat this weird thing called vareniki, which is basically just bastardized pelmeni, only with more dough – but they STILL remind me of Russians, down to the fact that they also have mass corru… I mean, down to the fact that their names are kind of similar, so I have serious doubts Ukraine exists.”

“Of course, just because Ukraine doesn’t exist doesn’t mean it can’t hurt Russia,” Kozyolkin went on. “And just because something doesn’t exist doesn’t mean you can’t hold it legally accountable for stuff . Which is why the Ukrainian Nazi junta must be tried for its crimes. But not in the Hague. There’s just crazy [expletive] going on in Austria – I heard they elected a bearded woman president? Yeah, not a good place to get to the bottom of all of the atrocities committed by the crazed despots running this imaginary country.”

Historian Varvara Trolkina, author of ‘A Brief History of How Russia Totally Conquered Rome That One Time’

“When Vladimir Putin went diving recently, he was shirtless, and the sun lit up the water droplets on his chest like…Where was I? Oh yes, he found an ancient amphora at the bottom of the sea, remember?” Trolkina told RIYF. “Well, I’ve examined the thing, and it has a map of the Ancient Kingdom of Rus on it. Which doesn’t mention Ukraine and has the words ‘First Public Toilet and Cabaret of the Ancient World’ in that place where Kiev should be. Case closed.”

Dick Jane, president of the Independent International Etymological Brain Trust Society Thing

“Thanks to the generosity of our esteemed Kremlin partners – who NEVER skimp on the black caviar at society get-togethers, old chap – we have been able to do a lot of important research this year,” Jane told RIYF in an e-mailed comment. “For example, we have discovered that as early as the 20th century, the word ‘Ukraine’ was actually just a mispronunciation of ‘Bamboo Lemur.’ I have to admit, I was a bit surprised as to how the name of a rare mammal from Madagascar could be mispronounced this way and cause so much historic confusion – but at the end of the day, who are we to argue with the data so generously provided to us by our good friends at the GRU? I’m not saying that I will get a polonium enema should I dissent, of course.”

David Remnick, author of ‘The USSR Was Freaking Awesome’ (Russian Edition)

An RIYF correspondent caught up with Remnick as he was crossing the street, threw a potato at his head, and screamed, “UKRAINE!!!!!”

Remnick gave the correspondent a puzzled and disturbed look, before walking away in a hurry.

That is all the commentary we needed from Mr. Remnick on the status of this alleged “country.”

Ded Potap, representative of the Kremlin Institute of Voodoo Science

“I’m actually just the janitor,” Ded Potap insisted to RYIF at first. “But to be honest, your question does make me wonder. I’ve HEARD of Ukraine, but have I ever physically BEEN there? No. So, SCIENTIFICALLY speaking, I could very well tell you that its existence should be, at the very least, vigorously questioned. I mean, if we don’t automatically believe in the existence of fairies and mischievous water sprites, shouldn’t we then apply the same rigorous thinking to Ukraine?”